Full Circle: Back to the Altar

    As a young man I ran from the call of ministry. I couldn't see myself preaching nor did I want to do so. Finally, at the age of 30 as a broken man, I said, "Here I am Lord; whatever you want to do with me, do it." At that place of surrender, He filled me with a peace that I had never experienced. The circumstances that had brought me to my knees did not immediately change, but I now had purpose and direction for my life. In those early years opportunities were few and far between. I ended up preaching in jails and nursing homes and taught Sunday School. The thing that I had feared had now become a burning desire and my joy. I seized every opportunity I had. I begin to put out resume's to churches, but because I did not have a seminary degree they would not consider me. The desire to preach had become the greatest focus of my life.

    It wasn't long before God dealt with my heart about idolatry. My desire to preach had become greater than my desire for Him. Isn't it amazing that God can take something I didn't want to do, change a heart, and the thing that was feared becomes a passion so great that I slip into idolatry. I had to lay my Isaac on the altar and kill it. I laid it down. Someone once told me that the greatest act of faith was to put to death the promise at the request of the promiser. I continued to preach and teach as given opportunity, but my focus was no longer on my desire to preach, but my desire for Him. It was ten long years before God would send me out to plant a church. Still, there was ego that had to die. I thought He was sending to a place to set it on fire for God when, in fact, He was sending me there to kill "Me".

    Over the last two years I stepped away from pastoral duties only to find myself in that place of few opportunities to exercise the gift God has given me. I attempted to begin a prayer ministry only to become frustrated because there is still such exclusivity and insecurities that many churches won't come together for kingdom building. Then there were a number of serious issues which developed, some of which I have shared and others I don't have liberty to mention. Very sporadically I would get to speak somewhere and God was always faithful to show up, but invitations were far and few between. I could see my finances draining away and I so missed preaching, teaching, and praying for folks. I began to send out resumes'. I have probably sent out over a hundred. I sent a cover letter to help weed out churches where I knew I would not fit. I found the same rejection I had found early on with an added reason now. Not only did I not have a seminary degree, I was 62 years old. I put my name on a couple of search engines and was contacted by a few churches. Some were not a fit and some thought I was too old. You can probably understand my being a bit frustrated and discouraged. I have realized in the last few days (and I probably knew it all along but it has just now hit my heart) that I had come full circle. I am headed back to the altar with Isaac. When the exercise of one's gift becomes a greater focus than the Giver we are in trouble. When our service for God becomes the thing rather than our service to God, we have missed it. He is to be the object of our passion. So just as God told Moses to throw down his rod, today again I throw down the ministry. God gave the rod back to Moses, but it was never again the rod of Moses, it was the rod of God. I know God has made a deposit in me, but after all it is His deposit and His vessel and He can do with it as He pleases. That being said after thousands of hours of preparation, teaching, and preaching I am back at the altar. I am open to whatever He wants me to do, but my first and greatest priority is Him.